Rampage – Ape Roars and Rages with Gorilla Friend

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The Good
Well... It's still smarter than Batman V Superman
The Bad
Yeah, everything else.

In the spectrum that is the Rock’s filmography, not very many quality movies exist. Sure, the man’s truly franchise viagra—from The Fast and the Furious series, to G.I. Joe, and even stuff that shouldn’t be franchises like Journey 2, he’s proven that he could just about make any movie work.

Then there’s Rampage.

Based on the 1986 arcade game about a giant gorilla, a dino-lizard, and a monstrous werewolf, the entire premise revolves around playing as these creatures as you tear down the city while trying to survive the assault of the military.

Now, I’m not surprised that this got made into a movie. After all, once Battleship got turned into a film with Rihanna, who may be one of the only actresses worse than Beyonce, anything’s a go. In fact, the only thing surprising about the Rampage film is that Uwe Boll hadn’t already made it Jason Statham.

Oddly enough, that may have actually been better—after all, Boll’s a master of making movies so bad, that they’re often enough entertaining.

Rampage, unfortunately, manages to make the fatal mistake of taking itself too seriously, going so far as to attempt building a pseudo-scientific explanation leading to a completely unnecessary sub-plot serving only to waste the talent of Malin Akerman. In fact, wasting talents is something that Rampage somehow excels at—Naomie Harris, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Will Yun Lee, and Joe Manganiello all get dragged down through this… movie?

The greatest let down of Rampage is the poorly executed action sequences. What could have been well choreographed action scenes ends up being a bland attempt at action porn with repetitive sequences with gigantic limbs colliding into concrete structures, often punctuated with witty one-lines like “You mess with my friend, you mess with me!”

And you thought all of Vin Diesel’s lines about “family” in The Fast and the Furious movies were as bad as a script could get.

Rampage is out in all theatres now, but… why would you want to watch it? Like go to the zoo or something.