Review: Fantastic Four – Doomed to be a Dis4ster

Reader Rating21 Votes
You will appreciate the three previous movies.
Yes, I said three.
I am actually including the 1994 version
The Acting
The Story
The Everything

There is very little that can be said about Fox’s latest pathetic attempt at adapting Marvel’s first family of superheroes for the big screens without resorting to the use of profanities.

However, here at justsaying.asia we pride ourselves in being a family friendly site (editor’s note: we’re not really) and, therefore, I shall simply say: Fantastic Four is not a movie that you want to watch.

Here’s a list of other horrible comic book movies that I would rather watch instead:

Batman & Robin
X-Men 3: The Last Stand
Ghost Rider (Both of them)
Fantastic Four (All 3 feel like masterpieces now)
Blade: Trinity
The Dark Knight Rises
Spider-Man 3
Green Lantern
Man of Steel
Green Hornet
The Star Wars Prequels (I know those aren’t comic book movies, but what the hell.)

Am I missing anything?

So yes, this latest dis4ster (“Hahaha, look, I replaced the letter ‘A’ with the number ‘4’ I must be witty!” said no sentient creature ever.), has been at the heart of much controversy since the announcement of talentless hack Josh Trank helming the flick with only the snoozefest Chronicle under his belt. With no real costumes, no real script, no real penis for the Thing, and no real point to the whole bloody movie, I’d be shocked if I still find defenders for Josh Trank beyond this day.

And yet, there will still be a special breed of idiots who will choose to peg the atrocity of this movie on the race-bent casting of Michael B. Jordan as the Human Torch.

For those of you, here’s a separate rant for you guys. Learn to read, then go read it.

Related: Fantastic Four – Blue, White & Black

For the rest of you, here’s the truth: the superhero season for 2015 ended with the epic Ant-Man. That’s it. The next one will begin with Deadpool in February 2016 and I’m sure it will be glorious. Not because I have confidence in Fox, but because nothing could be worse than this.

So lean back, relax and pop in that DVD of 2005’s Fantastic Four with Jessica Alba’s strategically located cleavage on the cover and appreciate that at least all they did was give us a dusty Galactus as opposed to the badly crafted Destro toy that was this new Doctor Doom.